I stopped writing for a while in 2015. Not only because I no longer had a place to write but I felt like I failed and no longer had a story to tell. I was not in this deep dark depression outwardly. I was still showing up to the gym, having fun with my kids, and being a loving wife to my husband. I was just living life and eating, secret eating.
Let’s rewind a little. I reached a goal of being in the 160s in the summer of 2015 and I was super excited. I felt like I had more work to do but I could move into more of a maintenance phase. However, I soon realized that I had done a good job of reprograming my physical self but not my mental self. I worked out hard and became completely obsessed with restricting my diet of sugar, not actually fixing the problem. Once I started reintroducing foods into my diet, I started to lose control. I vividly remember driving to the gym for which I work and making the choice to stop and buy a cupcake. Yet, instead, I left with a cupcake and a browie. I told myself I would just taste both but not eat the whole thing. Yeah, right! I was sitting in the gym doing paperwork and I ate BOTH! Well, I ended up just throwing away the containers before I got home and never told anyone, until now. That’s just one of many examples I could name and the problem was I would justify it to myself every time.
This is also the summer that I had a knee injury so not only had my eating changed but my workouts changed too. I was still working out and would often cry to my trainer because I could not do the things I was doing before. That previous year I felt strong, confident, and frankly, sort of bad ass! What she did not know was that the one thing I could control, my food, was not being controlled at all. I guess that’s not true. I’m sure she knew because by January 2016, I was back up to 194 pounds and had gained back 10% of my body fat. Thankfully, I had more muscle at 194 pounds this time so I felt like I looked healthier than the year prior but I was still super disappointed in myself.
I decided it was time to get serious again and this time focus on the physical and mental changes I neeed to make. I needed to learn how to live with a balanced diet so I could still enjoy a treat but not be controlled by food. I needed to learn how to look at food as fuel, not a reward. A fitness journey is not a straight line; it’s more of a zig-zag. You have to find it inside you to keep pushing forward, breaking through plateaus, and be consistent. Later this week I will post some tips and tricks that helped me find that balance. I will say it helps if you find your FitFam to help push you forward. Those are the people that help you to push through the hard times and keep you showing up even when you don’t want too. I have slipped many times throughout this journey but the most important thing I have learned is that you just have to keep pushing forward. Nothing in life is easily achieved. You must work for it. Health and fitness is not exception.