The title of this might be a little misleading. I am an honest person, I do not cheat, lie or steal. I am truthful to my family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers. If I find money on the ground I return it to the customer service desk, who knows maybe that money is everything to that person. I will not judge you for your flaws or mistakes you have made. I forgive easily and I am kind to everyone I meet. I however, lie to myself, I am at times not kind to myself, I do not forgive myself when I make mistakes and my biggest lesson lately is I cannot trust myself.
I have been on this journey to a healthier lifestyle for over a year now. I like to think that I have adjusted pretty well. I still focus on my nutrition and when I get off track I get back to meal planning and my fitness pal to refocus. I still work out 5-7 times a week. I am still losing body fat and gaining muscle which is awesome.
This last week I learned something about myself, I am addicted to sugar. I know it’s not something they hold meetings for; I won’t be joining a support group or going to a doctor for a clinical diagnosis. In the beginning of my journey I knew I had an issue with sugar and I decided to just cut all of it out of my diet. I only consumed 6g a day from my whey protein I added to my coffee to replace creamer. That meant no fruit, no dairy, and no sugar of any kind period. Was it hard, yes, was it worth it, yes. After 6 months I started adding some fruit and dairy back into my diet and my body adjusted well. After about 8 months I would allow myself to have a piece of cake or ice cream at a birthday party but never take any home. Then something changed, I got too comfortable.
I would say it started with my birthday in June. My daughter made me a cake, my favorite, yellow with chocolate frosting. My family threw me a little party at my mom’s house, my daughter decorated and it was so sweet and special. I took the cake home! Why did I take the cake home? The next morning I had a slice with coffee and a little after dinner. The next day I started to have another piece and I stopped myself and threw away the rest of the cake, sorry mom, but I knew I had too. Two days later was my birthday and father’s day celebration at my mother in laws house. I indulged in birthday brownies and ice cream and even though I said “no thank you” somehow some brownies made it in our take home bag. Even though I knew I should not eat them I did and I was angry at myself for being so weak. Over the next few weeks I tried to pull myself back on track, then the 4th of July happened and I’m hoping this was my wake up call.
We were headed to a family BBQ and I decided to make a dessert, this amazing pretzel, cream cheese, jello strawberry concoction that was probably a gazillion grams of sugar! What the heck was I thinking! I suppose it would have been fine it I just had a serving or two at the BBQ and left the rest there or thrown it away when I got home. Obviously since I am written about this you can figure out what happened I ate it, I ATE THE WHOLE GOSH DARN THING! Not in one sitting, over the course of a few days. I would eat a few spoonful’s with my coffee, after lunch, after dinner, and after the kids went to bed. I would eat until I felt sick, overloaded with sugar. The kicker though, I KEPT GOING BACK! I was doing it to myself and despite feeling awful, physically, emotionally I kept eating and eating and eating.
I am hoping I never have to write about this again. I hope that I learned a lesson and I will know better next time and will not keep sugary things in my house. I will allow myself to enjoy them at a birthday party or event, but I will not cook them or bring them home. I just cannot, I cannot trust myself. I know that a sugar addition for some people is not a big deal but for me it is. I never want to get back to the place I was a year ago, unhappy and unhealthy. I do have to remind myself that a healthily lifestyle is a journey, one that I have to work on every day. Through this experience I have learned that I need to surround myself with foods that fuel my body and make it stronger instead of making it sick and weak. However, I have also learned I will make mistakes; I need to learn from them and forgive myself. I am a good person and kind to everyone I know so why not be kind to myself too.
I hope that whatever you are battling during your fitness journey; sugar, salt, fast food, emotional eating, secret eating, an eating disorder, unsupportive family, injury, illness…you realize how to love yourself, support yourself, surround yourself with what will make you successful. Most of all I hope by sharing my story you realize you are not alone. Everyone struggles, this journey is not easy and you will get knocked down. It’s about getting back up, getting back on track and learning to trust yourself again.